Remember how the word passion always have such a positive connotation to it, such that it feels like there’s all rainbows and sunshine surrounding the word as one says it?
Whenever the word passion is brought up now, I feel tremendous stress and pain, and I know I will definitely remember my experience from this recent Bake Sales that I have held. It’s as if its been engraved in me. On a side note, for those who are not aware, I held a Bake Sales recently and its still ongoing ( not promoting it though, already closing it and even trimming orders! ).
Let me first give you the much needed background story.
I held this Bake Sales initially with the purpose of sharing my joy of baking food, especially sharing homemade food, with my readers and friends. It has always been what I wanted; to share the joy of homemade food with others. I always feel that homemade bakes convey such a deep meaning of love, care and thought.
In addition, I also held it because I hope to further propagate the namesake of my blog and I would like to attempt to prove people that my recipes are worthy of following. I am sorry if I am too straightforward and honest here, but afterall its not as if I monetized my blog, and I really have to find a way to earn some money to supply the baking ingredients used to create recipes.
Last but not least, I held it because I am really interested to experience the industry side of baking.
Oh. My. Gosh.
This can easily become one of my easiest most regrettable moments, at least for the year, and I can’t believe I am ending the year this way where I am sick of even looking or tasting my own bakes. Can you believe that? Coming from someone who loves baking, someone who loves creating recipes, and someone who just wish he didn’t give up, feels guilty from giving up yet knows that he shouldn’t feel that way.
This was so tremendously painful for me to attempt to accept and acknowledge.
So how did I came to realize that?
Being a person with really high expectations of myself, and hence my harshest critic, I kept beating myself up over every single fault. For example, I get extremely frustrated over how one batch is different from the other, even resulting in throwing away seven consecutive batches. After which, I feel extremely guilty from throwing away and wasting food, that I beat myself up again. And from beating myself up over that, I questioned why did I do it, and again, proceed to beat myself up.
On top of which, there is just a different sense of responsibility when it is a monetary transaction.
Unlike the hearty occasions where I bake for my friends and family members, and I can tell them “here this is made for you” and they do not or have as little expectations, when there’s money involved, there are expectations ( at least really high ones on my side) . For instance, for a $2.50 cookie cup, how do I make sure it is indeed worth $2.50? There’s even the problem of people having different expectations.
It is definitely not helping that I have high expectations of myself. Sure, one might say that that ensures that there are high standards across the food, but NO! I have an unhealthy sense of high expectations that ended up with me scarring myself ( not literally, thank you for your concern! ).
The irony of things? No one actually told me all that, it it is me who is constantly criticizing myself. I just couldn’t help it.
Last Saturday, after failing 7 consecutive batches ( of batter ), I concluded that it is just me. It is neither the recipe nor the oven, but it is me. I felt really incapable, especially considering how I have been baking for a reasonably long time, it just wasn’t up to my standards. It felt like as if I forgot how to tie my shoelaces.
With each tray of bakes that I placed in, I harboured high hopes and they just kept getting crashed. It just wasn’t good enough. And it never will be, never was.
At the same time, I didn’t want to cancel my orders as I feel responsible to keep to my word.
I feel kind of stuck now and I just wanted a place and platform to vent my frustrations I guess.
So thank you for reading.
I was wondering, what would you have done or told yourself if you were in my shoes? ( I hope you watch the youtube video, by the way, because the writing is different from the video! )
Update: I do feel better now after being successful in my bakes last night, speaking and writing. But I must still find a way to solve the root of the issue ( which is my unhealthy level of self esteem and high expectations ).